the funniest letter I've ever read

original

Dearest Auntie Flo,

I am sorry, but you are not invited to our wedding. I know how much we both enjoy our monthly visits together—even though you have been giving me horrible bloating and cramps lately. Mr. Cookie and I have a love/hate relationship with you! Every time you come to visit, Mr. Cookie has to rub my belly and says I become very irritable. :( But we both like that your visit indicates we will not be welcoming newly baked cookies to the family, just yet!

Recently, it seems like you keep pushing back your monthly visit. Your September visit is nudging closer and closer to our wedding date. I apologize, but during our wedding I just cannot accommodate your demands. Having my bridesmaid lift up my wedding dress, while I try to change a tampon, is just not an experience that I want to share with them. I also want my hormones at a steady level; I am already going to be emotional as is! In addition, Mr. Cookie and I would also like to get to know one another, in the biblical sense, if you know what I mean. ;) We just can’t do “it” with you coming between us.

So, for the sake of our wedded bliss, can you please schedule your visit before the wedding? By your November visit, I will have beautiful pictures of the wedding to show you.

It would be ever so helpful for you to comply with my demand! Even though your visit will not to be able to ruin our wedding day, I prefer that you not attend.

Hope to see you earlier rather than later.